INCEPTION

I first started blogging back in April of 2007.

Back then I was a young 26 yr old Mother of two, Living away from our family and friends. 

My husband at the time, now my ex and wonderful (& challenging) co-parent partner, had taken a job after his college graduation that moved our small family to Kansas City. Yes, we were married while he was still attending college.

We had both been raised in devout Mormon families, so the fact that I was still technically a teenager, (19) and Greg (23) was still learning who he wanted to be- didn't seem to matter. We were taught to lock it down with the first person you fall in love with. I was also taught that premarital sex was the sin next to murder. Confalting love with hormones, much? I'm sure I'll get into that more later, but for now- 

This backstory is about the blog.

I recenly came accross this Time Capsel of memories.

I'd assumed the plattform had long gone away, like I had. Once Facebook "became a thing" the family blogs seemed to stop. It also could have had something to do with the fact that I had also decided to move on from said religion, and ALL of that blogging experience was written by the Mormon version of me. 

As I was looking back just a few months ago, NINETEEN YEARS LATER, Knowing now all I now know. I was especially struck first how terrible my wrtiting used to be, but the heart and my soul- 

Really hadn't changed.

There was a post I titled "Isn't It Ironic, Don't ya Think?" from Oct 15, 2009. 

You can click to read it direct and raw, like a digial time machine, but here's the main part I want to share- 

I was sick of the fake, even back then. I was longing for something real, something deep, something meaninful & authentic. I could even recognize my part of the perpetuation of superficiality. I tried to address it, with humorous honesty. 

I've always been great at hiding real pain, in humor. 

I was speaking about a rabbit hole I'd gone from on Facebook, back to the blog and continued:

****

 ".....and I totally remembered why I love blogging! ****Not only can you share with your friends, but you can try to look awesome to people who don't even know you!**** I know that sounds a little vain, but let's be honest. I'm a girl. And a former fat one at that.

We all need a little ego stroke every now and again and what better way than by piecing the happiest, best looking moments of our lives together for all to see!

I mean I'm totally not going to take pictures and talk about the fight Greg & I had last week. 

Or how I've been feeling totally depressed ever since I realized that I'll pretty much be doing what I am doing right now for the rest of my life. 

Where's the excitement in that?

 No no- Those things are too real and that's NOT what blogging is about. 

Well at least not my blog. (I feel like I've just reached that point in Wayne's World where he complains to the camera and the camera man starts walking away) Don't walk away. I do have a point. As I ended back on our page. Staring at the promise that I wouldn't get that far behind again...I realized something. I want to be more real with my writing.

I laugh when I read what I wrote under the picture of Greg and I. It sounds good,"This blog is dedicated to all those fun, silly, crazy and sometimes hard moments." How sweet & honest, but really- When have I ever really shared anything hard? 

Did you know that I honestly plan my outfits to wether or not we'll be taking pictures? Heaven forbid I get caught wearing the SAME THING TWICE! (I can't believe I just admitted that... I feel so shallow right now.) Ok so, I can't promise I'll be totally real because sometimes it is fun to live in the perfect fantasy-blog world. On bad days I'll come look at my pictures and what I wrote and think- Wow! 

That looks really great! And it's not that it's all that far from reality, just embellished a bit..." 

******

Right there- Did you hear it? 

I admitted to playing the game, lying to hide me real pain, to even convince myself that I was happier, 

that I *could be, *Should Be, happier, than I was.

I read my former self say "I mean I'm totally not going to take pictures and talk about the fight Greg & I had last week. Or how I've been feeling totally depressed ever since I realized that I'll pretty much be doing what I am doing right now for the rest of my life."

Oh sweet girl, I thought. You have no idea whats in store for you. 

Strangely, Reading that gave me the exact validation that I'd been seeking since deciding to get divorced.

I felt a sense of pride and almost a relief, to remember how hard it had all been. 

That I hadn't made it up in my head,

I just didn't have a safe space back then, to share myself, my true self. 

I'd hardly had a moment to find her.

I did a good job with the brave face (Cue Paul McCartney's "My Brave Face" from his album Flowers in the Dirt) Fitting.

It took me so long, to finally choose myself. 

To be able to look to a future of realness and happiness that didn't require any convincing, Especially to myself.

I share here as the first post to prove a bit of a point. We are ALL more powerfull than we know. 

It took me hard earned years of Motherhood, Curating my own personal realationship with Spiritaulity that made space for powerful women, and moving on from a marriage, that was both wondferul at times and one of the hardest, most challenging experiences of growth.

I'm still not professional in my writing by any means, but I hope that as I share what I've learned,

that it doesn't feel perfect or polished or like an actual CEO.

I'm human first, flawed and imperfect, but also incredibly brave. 

I learned a lot from my lived experiences. 

Having spent the past 3 years in almost a cocoon like state, recalibrating and learning myself energetically. It actually seems so aligned that this would be the New Beginning, back to a Blog. 

The longer form personal communication suits me.

I feel ready to share that depth and authenticity, and all the things that make me, ME. 

I share in hopes it finds a place in your heart and opens a door of curiosity to that deep inner self.

The one who knows when something is off, knows it's capable of more- just might not yet know how to fully yet express it. 

When the family blog felt to fake to continue- I tried for a moment to start a Beauty version.

I called it "More Than Skin Deep." Really sticking with a theme here. 

It so fun now to understand WHY this has always been such a big part of me.

I am a Leo Sun, Leo North Node and both in my 8th house of Scorpionic depth.

I'll share more of my chart over time, Like the 4 planet + MC Stellium of Libra, in my 11th house (Aquarius). 

Its evident, I've always been me- 

Just never had the right timing or truly confident energy to own that I do want to share what I know, publicly. I couldn't stick with it before, because it always became embarrassing to me.

Now, I'm full blown Leo, An actual grown up with wisdom to impart and share; and Love myself too much to worry if people won't (get)me or (love) me. Thats not meant to be an outsourced job anyway. 

Its inside each of us to fully own and embrace the qualities that make us unquie and share them with the world. So here we go... 

Closing with this video that never saw the light of day. I found it when I logged back in to Blogger and honestly I just think its sweet, and that last line sign off, is just so Me! ;) 

 

Thank you for your time, I'm really excited to be back sharing more, 

but this post is so you can Get to know ME. 

   

(Recorded in Kansas City, May? of 2010)

 -Peace Out! And let the Love in. ME